|
| |
Parenting The Adult Child
Parenting. When most of us hear that word we think of delicate infants,
rambunctious toddlers, inquisitive preschoolers, energetic school aged children,
or moody adolescents. However, parenting doesn’t end when a child leaves home to
start a life of his own. Instead, parenting, like the parent-child relationship,
undergoes a transformation, not a termination, when a child becomes an adult.
I have seen too many families experience heartache over the years as parents
inadequately or improperly attempt to parent their adult children. Below are
listed some specific suggestions I can offer you on how to parent your grown
children and avoid some problems others have experienced.
Even when your child is grown and away from
home, continue to set a godly example in such areas as lifestyle, church
attendance, and tithing. Believe it or not, your children are often still
looking to you as a standard and role-model to follow.
Pray for your child. In a few minutes of
prayer you can accomplish more than hours of criticizing and complaining could
ever accomplish. If your child is living a life of sin, lovingly help him
overcome his problems instead of further reinforcing his failures.
Encourage your child’s holistic
development—spiritually, socially, academically, and physically. You can also
encourage the development of financial management skills by not overly giving
or allowing them to become dependent on you for money.
Never offer unsolicited advice to your
married child. His/her decisions must be made with God, the mate, and
counselors of his/her choosing.
Realize that after marriage your child’s
mate—not you—is the central person in his life. Do not try to unrealistically
hold on to a position that is no longer yours.
Love your child’s mate. This is not always
easy to do, especially if this is not what you planned. Your criticism,
however, can only hurt the relationship. Your love and support, however, could
help solidify it. No one wants to be a resented in-law.
Similarly, avoid criticizing your child’s
in-laws—even though you will be very tempted. This again will contribute to
your relationship with your son/daughter-in-law.
Never interfere with the rearing of your
grandchildren unless there is abuse involved. Your child is now a parent with
his own God-given responsibilities. You do not have the same responsibility to
your grandchild that his parent does.
Refrain from trying to lay a "guilt trip"
on your child when you feel you are being neglected. Often it is hard for
parents whose children live in other states to not feel slighted when they do
not see their children and grandchildren as often as they would like. Again,
criticizing accomplishes little. In fact, it may alienate your child. Instead
of using the guilt trip option, try to objectively state your feelings and
concerns.
Keep your child informed of the location of
any important legal documents you have. Also, tell your child exactly what you
would want done should an emergency occur. These facts will help your child
cope later during a trying time.
I hope these suggestions will be useful to you. Making the transition from
parenting a minor child to parenting an adult does not have to be difficult or
traumatic. However, understanding your new role in your child’s life will make
your relationship more enjoyable for you both.
|